two years. moving on to the third. thats how long i havent been here and not intending to be. but today after being awaken by a call from jialin, i had the sudden urge to come back...

i had to admit that i was upset after reading those entries about the past. nostalgia? that's an understatement. i was feeling much worse than that.

was i really so happy? i cant remember. memories that i can draw from those entries...gene and i laughing along the corridors after breaks, huiying and i staying until midnight trying to complete history assignments, jialin and i rushing down to get mooncakes, lilin bouncing with her mambo bag, melissa chatting non-stop during lessons, tammy walking around the classroom...eli and i complaining about dance politics while waiting for cca to start. its darn beautiful. at least to me now, it seems so perfectly perfect.

i've lost it. all that i've build over that two years, i had let it go, so easily. and now i wonder why.
the voice that was leading me is gone and i long to hear it again. maybe it has given up on me.

things werent gg right, i swear, that's why i had been such a loser this year.

eli's left for ac. she was gg after what she wanted, i understand. and as much as i wished her luck, a part of me wanted so badly for her to stay. because i know how easy it is to drift apart when we are put into diff class, much less diff school.

then, hatful of stars ended. we all cried; being happy that the show felt great and sad that it was time to leave. for me, there was another reason - it has been my pillar of support and i had been holding onto it so tightly. i just wasnt prepared to go.

i think the fact that jialin,gene and huiying were all separated from me made things worse. life was total bitch.

i screwed up my studies as well. shant go on about it since no one enjoys studying anyway.

i guess i managed to survive all this shit because my friends stayed by me. i know how hard it is to find time to be tog when we are in diff classes and with so many darn activities gg on at the same time. huiying, thanks for putting so much faith and trust into this friendship and for taking out time to talk to me even though u could be having fun with your class, doing ur work or just spending time with yourself. it was great to know that someone is always there for you. even during the times when we just sat there and couldnt talk, i feel better, really. and gene, thanks for being so niceeee to me despite what happened in sec three and four. i think i must have been the luckiest person to have met a friend like you. sorry for taking you for granted if i did because you are really a great friend. and jialin, thanks for being so patient with me and for being emo too when i needed to be. i hope things are getting better for you and i promise to be there for you if u ever need me...

hmmm. i know we have all changed, as much as we tried not to. it's inevitable; i guess some things just come naturally. i admit i have, not so much physically but more of what's gg on inside. for one thing, i have definitely become more emotional, though it may not seem so to some.

i guess all decisions bring with them certain degree of regrets and i'll just learn to live with it.

recently, things have changed for the better. and i wanna thank the chinese dancers for being so accepting and encouraging. i have been inspired and let's just hope that this inspiration will carry me through my second year in hc.

[[mian]]-pointandflex-.